Daydreams and Musings

I have a cold and I’m very put out about it. :p  Everytime I take up an exercise regimen and it starts to flow and feel good, I get slapped by illness.  I guess my body is just stressed the eff out.  :-/  gonna try to take it easy today, and tomorrow if I still feel like crap.  Tuesday back to the workout grind.  Last 2 days of j term, then a brief break before nursing school resumes.  

I just had some corn chowder for lunch and it was yummy.  I hope I feel ok enough tomorrow to move around a bit… I don’t want to lose the momentum I have going here. :(

blah

It’s been a rough few months, but I think I may be finally starting to get a handle on things.  Taking the PE classes was a giant pain in the ass, but I’m glad I’m doing it.  It’s 4 days a week (except this past week because of the snow) that I am forced to exercise, in total for about an hour and a half.  (I do get a 2 hour break between workouts though, thank god! :p)  

I’m back on my Celexa and I am feeling human again.  I really need to quit fighting it and just take it for now.  I will possibly explore other avenues at a later time, but for now, I think I should stick with the status quo until I get through school and pass my NCLEX.  It’s not a magic fix all… I do still have blue days, but it’s not been nearly as crushing or crippling as it was when I was off the meds.  How I managed to pull the grades I did last semester is beyond me.  I guess I am stronger than I give myself credit for.  

I think the exercising is helping too.  I feel more alert and (when I’m not stupid sore) more energetic…my mind is clearer.  I am also noticing some gains (very modest mind you… but still noticeable) in my strength and flexibility.   I am finding that I actually really like yoga.  My instructor is awesome.  I wish her studio wasn’t in Tacoma though…booo! I’d totally do her Saturday freebie classes once J term ends.  She is very supportive and encouraging She is very big on going at your own pace and understands that some of us are weaker and stiffer than others.  She also seems to have taken a specific interest in me… she makes a point in asking me how I’m doing every day… and how I’m feeling after class.  Today was a hard workout.  I was pouring sweat and probably had a tomato red face! LOL It’s good though.  I need this.  And I really want to keep it up working out…and yoga too once J term ends.  Just gotta figure out how its’ going to mesh with nursing classes/clinicals/etc.  That will be the fun part. 

I totally understand now why people say that yoga relieves stress.  I have experienced it.  While I don’t leave class singing, I feel calm and relaxed…peaceful.  I don’t have the usual worries and fears clanging in my head. Even if it’s only for an hour or so… I think I need that, and it’ll be good for me. It might even help me perform better academically.  Not that I’m doing bad by any means, but I can always do better.  

I pulled out my patho notes and started skimming through them and as nervous as I was, and how much I feel I’d forgotten… looking at them, it comes back pretty quickly…and even makes sense to me now in ways that it never did when I was in the midst of learning it.  Looking back at the notes, I wonder why I had such a hard time with it.  Which I take as a good sign.  I guess I learned it, even though it was hard as hell.  It’s just kind of like sediment in water… I need to stir it up again and it’ll be there when I need it. 

I am so ready to get on with the spring semester.  I am ready to dig back in and get through it…make it to summer, and know that I only have one semester (or 3 ish months)  of classes left till graduation.  I’ve been in school since 2006! (And I was in school for 3 years fresh outta high school too) so this degree has been 20 years in the making.  About bloody time! :p 

I’m ready. Let’s do this. 

How do you erase something that is essentially carved in stone?  How do you reverse years upon years of negativity.  How do you let go of survival skills that kept you alive for so long, but now are only a hindrance?  

Knowing the problem and understanding the problem means nothing if you don’t have the means or the knowledge to change or fix things.  It’s like trying to push a mountain out of your path.  

How do you break free of distrust? Distrust of one’s self especially? So many questions I have.  So many.